The Art Of Swimming: Life Skills
Swimming is an art. You may not believe it, but it takes skill(s).
Firstly, and maybe least importantly, is the co-ordination of arms, legs and breathing. Even those who don't manage this usually get the grasp of flailing around, kicking all those within a meter's vicinity, breathing in, choking, and spitting out mouthfuls of water into the faces of innocent (and disgusted) swimmers. There is no easy way to learn how to swim. It has been proven that the best technique is to ask a friend to throw you into the deep end, quite literally. Whether you sink or not is then up to you.
Secondly, and more crucially, is the ability to dodge and weave around the barricade of "serious swimmers", their arms windmilling faster than the overhead fan in your local gym. This takes real skill. There are several methods of getting around "serious swimmers":
Firstly, and maybe least importantly, is the co-ordination of arms, legs and breathing. Even those who don't manage this usually get the grasp of flailing around, kicking all those within a meter's vicinity, breathing in, choking, and spitting out mouthfuls of water into the faces of innocent (and disgusted) swimmers. There is no easy way to learn how to swim. It has been proven that the best technique is to ask a friend to throw you into the deep end, quite literally. Whether you sink or not is then up to you.
Secondly, and more crucially, is the ability to dodge and weave around the barricade of "serious swimmers", their arms windmilling faster than the overhead fan in your local gym. This takes real skill. There are several methods of getting around "serious swimmers":
- Feign seriousness. Before getting into the pool, spend 10 minutes stretching at the side. Press ups and sit ups are good for effect. Occassionally, gender no issue, sneak sideways show-offy glances at the lifeguard.
- Copy their manic, inconsiderate behaviour. Make yourself bigger than you actually are. This means taking up the space three normal people would use quite efficiently if ONLY they could.
- Make like a "serious swimmer" and close your eyes. This way, normal swimmers have no choice BUT to swim around you. The words "Look where you're going!" should, if you are realistic enough, incite in you a need to point dramatically at your fogged up goggles and push your tongue into your bottom lip in an unsofisticated snarl.
- If you're in serious trouble (i.e. swimmer coming straight towards you with arms windmilling into your face) roll over and play dead. To add a realistic touch, dribble a little chlorinated water down your chin and roll back your eyes.
kiwiqueen - 10. May, 22:28