Who is this rambling person, who seems to have an obsession with kiwis, especially the black pips? Why is she writing this blog? She seems to have such a boring, pointless life, where the highlight is the noise the hoover makes when it breaks, or listening to the pointless conversations of middle-aged women on lunch-breaks.

Kiwiqueen lives in the Middle of Nowhere, England. (Note the quick transition from first person the second person, a talent she was born with). The Middle of Nowhere is a miserable place, where it rains constantly, even in the depths of summer, forcing the population to seek interesting past-times such as knitting, cookie baking, or in her case, blogging.

You find Kiwiqueen sitting half-in half-out of her attic window, either reading, listening to music, contemplating the secret of life (which, incidentally, she knows), or cutting up kiwis for her own personal entertainment, and discarding them on the roof when she has finished proving a point to the rest of the world. You may also find her in the state which is commonly known as boredom, and occasionally, hyperactivity.

Naturally, being the queen of kiwis, all kiwi related questions should be addressed to her. Such as: how many people in Britain have a kiwi allergy? 192,000, she would be able to tell you straight away, with no time needed for kiwi contemplation.

Writing is third person happens once every blue moon.