I sat in a living room somewhere today, and squirmed uncomfortably as the man I know vaguely as a flirty 60-something academic pushed his nose into the neck of his partner and growled like an animal possessed. The real dog in the room stared dolefully up at me with saucer-eyes, and snuffled. It spoke to me via energy waves of cheese and chasing rabbits. It wiggled it's eyebrows in a complicated fashion, raising first one, then the other, and finally both together. It had been doing this all night. I had spent hours watching in silent awe. This dog is more talented than I am in eyebrow matters. I am jealous.

I considered sneaking, crab-like, from the room, but decided against when his partner mumbled my name breathlessly, and they looked up together at me. I wished I were invisible. My swimming costume pulled uncomfortably at my skin underneath my jumper and jeans. I was reminded of my New Year's Resolutions, and how many I have broken so far.*

In the car, he raised his voice and talked at the car roof.

"Who does she think she is? I spend ten hours fucking WORKING. I tell her I'll be home late, and she knows why. I'm half an hour late, and she fucking rings me and asks if I'm with another woman! I mean, look at me. I'm too tired to do things like that!"

Maybe that's the reason you're tired, I thought. My friend told him this at the same time as I thought it. He snorted at the steering wheel, and spent the next 45 minutes swimming furious lengths slowly.



* Despite this, I have still not eaten chocolate. It has been ten days, and not a morsel has passed my lips. I remind people three times a day, and have acquired an air of self-importance when rejecting mini-snickers. Such will-power!