Cinema Mastication
I went to see Little Miss Sunshine earlier on. It ran at the independent cinema, the cinema screen belonging to Staffordshire University but open to all in the evenings, second home to the film buffs of the area. A brilliant film. I laughed, I cried, it changed my life. (That would be a slight exaggeration, but Dylan Moran HAD to be semi-quoted there.)
The only thing that ruined it for me was the monstrous woman sitting in the seat behind me. She huffed and snorted throughout the entire film, and jiggled her legs repetetively against the back of my seat, pressing me forwards into the row before mine. Worst of all, she chewed gum AUDIBLY, smacking her lips together with great vigour, squishing the gum loudly in between her teeth and onto the roof of her mouth. An irritated glance over my shoulder revealed my suspicions; she was sitting with her mouth wide open, teeth glinting horribly in the darkness of the room and reflecting the light from the screen. She stopped for a second, and we made brief and unsatisfying eye-contact.
As soon as I turned my back, she continued her vile mastication of chewing gum twice as loud as before, gum which, by that point, must surely have been flavourless and stale. I turned again to glower angrily from under my fringe, and she twisted her mouth into a triumphant grin without ceasing her incessant, exaggerated chewing. Like a cow without grass she ground her teeth together with noise akin to the scraping of nails down a blackboard. She raised one eyebrow, and kicked the back of my chair, hard.
I gave up at this point, and for at least ten minutes I fumed silently to myself, cringing with every chew. It was impossible to fume for too long though, as the laughter became increasingly raucous, drowning out even the most noisy of chewers, and in the end the hilarity of the film triumphed over my anger.
I emerged from the dark, blinking, and there she stood, sneering and chewing at me. Pffft. I think I definitely came out of that screening better off than her. The sound may have been frustrating to me and the rest of the audience, but she as the chewer could in no way have heard anything over the deafening sound of her saliva and chewing gum and smacking lips rushing around in her head.
(I have the last laugh - only someone as cool as myself could be planning to buy the same amazing yellow van as in the film. Once I have purchased it, I shall hunt her down, and hand her a polaroid of myself standing on a mountain before my vehicle, proudly pointing and grinning happily with the wind blowing my hair around my face in a beautiful sort of way. I shall watch her go green with envy, and then I shall leave her and her chewing gum to live a lonely life together, while I galivant around the world happily with daisy chains around my wrists...)
The only thing that ruined it for me was the monstrous woman sitting in the seat behind me. She huffed and snorted throughout the entire film, and jiggled her legs repetetively against the back of my seat, pressing me forwards into the row before mine. Worst of all, she chewed gum AUDIBLY, smacking her lips together with great vigour, squishing the gum loudly in between her teeth and onto the roof of her mouth. An irritated glance over my shoulder revealed my suspicions; she was sitting with her mouth wide open, teeth glinting horribly in the darkness of the room and reflecting the light from the screen. She stopped for a second, and we made brief and unsatisfying eye-contact.
As soon as I turned my back, she continued her vile mastication of chewing gum twice as loud as before, gum which, by that point, must surely have been flavourless and stale. I turned again to glower angrily from under my fringe, and she twisted her mouth into a triumphant grin without ceasing her incessant, exaggerated chewing. Like a cow without grass she ground her teeth together with noise akin to the scraping of nails down a blackboard. She raised one eyebrow, and kicked the back of my chair, hard.
I gave up at this point, and for at least ten minutes I fumed silently to myself, cringing with every chew. It was impossible to fume for too long though, as the laughter became increasingly raucous, drowning out even the most noisy of chewers, and in the end the hilarity of the film triumphed over my anger.
I emerged from the dark, blinking, and there she stood, sneering and chewing at me. Pffft. I think I definitely came out of that screening better off than her. The sound may have been frustrating to me and the rest of the audience, but she as the chewer could in no way have heard anything over the deafening sound of her saliva and chewing gum and smacking lips rushing around in her head.
(I have the last laugh - only someone as cool as myself could be planning to buy the same amazing yellow van as in the film. Once I have purchased it, I shall hunt her down, and hand her a polaroid of myself standing on a mountain before my vehicle, proudly pointing and grinning happily with the wind blowing my hair around my face in a beautiful sort of way. I shall watch her go green with envy, and then I shall leave her and her chewing gum to live a lonely life together, while I galivant around the world happily with daisy chains around my wrists...)
kiwiqueen - 19. Nov, 00:22
