I have surpassed myself. No, really.

This morning, causing maximum chaos in the kitchen, I made pancakes. With blueberries. I hear you gasp in dismay, but you'd be wrong to. I DID NOT poison myself like last time! How's that? you may ask in wonder, with round eyes and one perfectly plucked, slightly raised eyebrow. Well, I shall let you in on The Secret.

If you learn nothing but this in your life...well, you'll never have to admit to being poisoned by pancakes, which is, of course, embarrassing in the extreme. If you have to be poisoned at all, it should be done properly, to earn the gasps of admiration you deserve for having writhed in total agony for at least a week. Something like, say, salmonella poisoning.

The Secret - make a note, pin it to the kitchen pinboard - DO NOT under ANY circumstances use an American pancake recipe, which tells you, wrongly, to use TWO WHOLE teaspoons of baking powder. Bear in mind that to make a loaf of bread, you only need half a teaspoon of lethal white powder.

STEP AWAY from the baking powder. Put it DOWN.