I have several very dark fears, fears which leave me quaking in bed at 3AM with the duvet pulled up to my chin. What if, right, and this could happen, what if someone decides to deliberately, and with malicious intent, smear Superglue onto a toilet seat? And what if, moments later, I sit on this toilet seat, only to hear the cackles of a mean person from an adjacent cubicle?

What would I do? Would I stay for a few hours, too embarrassed to say, "Uh, I'm stuck to the toilet seat, some please help."? Would I remove the toilet seat itself from the main body of the toilet, cut a toilet seat-shaped hole into my jeans, and carry on with life, shrugging off snide remarks with a blustery "What? Oh that, yes, it's for Comic Relief. Everyone's donating a tenner..."?

Another one which keeps me awake is the thought of the radiator being so close to my head. Right by the bed; sometimes I wake up with my head pressed up against it, touseled hair draped over the dusty ledge at the top. What if, hypothetically, my parents were to turn up the radiator to full blast for some bizarre reason (like it's raining,the washing has been out on the line, and father dearest needs that lime green shirt for some uni do)? And what if, while I'm sleeping, the intense heat from the radiator travels somehow, and either a)my hair ends up on fire, and subsequently burns down the house, or b)my brain juices evaporate, and I end up with a shrivelled, mummified head (a bit like the frog)?

Do not laugh. These are real and almost tangible fears.