Look what you've done. You've turned me into one of those girls who wait weedily by the phone, one of those girls who might burst into tears when their grandmothers call to ask about cake recipes. You've turned me into one of those girls who write in angry capital letters something to the tune of I RING FIVE TIMES AND LEAVE TWO MESSAGES AND YOU DON'T CALL BACK! I will ignore the sensible part of my brain which says you might be asleep, or your phone might be on silent, and listen to the part which right now is running around with arms flailing above the head screaming FIRE.

I won't get to sleep tonight. Things like that cannot be said without a follow-up, like a doctor's appointment after a recently pointed-out abnormality. No no no. It's doesn't work like that. My brain will be thinking things, as it does when it has nothing better to do. It will think things and my pillow will be the wrong shape and too hot one side, too cold the other, and I WILL NOT SLEEP. So tomorrow when you've forgotten what the whole thing was about, I shall REMIND you and we will DISCUSS like the mature, rational people we (I?) are (am?) not.

And no arguing. You know that I cannot argue without stuttering and repeating myself and sighing in frustration at my inability to express myself. If it came to it, I'd ask you to argue your side, and you would later recieve a handwritten essay detailing MY side of things. It's the only way I would ever in a million years win.

(I am still waiting by the phone. One eye is looking expectantly and a little suspiciously at blank screen of my mobile. Perhaps it is broken. This is clutching at straws.)